Unsteady
by caffeineisthenewblack
Summary: She thought about how scared she was when Piscatella shoved her to the ground, and the chaos afterward. When things had calmed down, all she wanted was to sit with Red and take care of her. But she didn't. And now here she was, sitting on the floor in the middle of the night, next to Red's sleeping form. Nicky/Red ONESHOT. Please R&R!


**AN: Happy New Year one and all! This Red/Nicky interlude takes place right after the events of the Season 4 episode "The Animals" - if you like this story, please R &R!**

Nicky was shaken.

Though the death of Washington had not been a true personal loss to her, it had shaken her to her core.

Poussey had done nothing wrong. Nothing to deserve the fate she was dealt.

Nicky tested her fate at every turn it seemed, and yet she was still alive.

She had essentially detoxed the night before, that was true, but still, she was on shaky ground. She didn't know if she would be able to beat her addiction for good this time. She wanted to more than anything. It was consuming her.

She kept thinking about Red. How she had cried, how she had begged her to tell her what to do, and Nicky had no answer for her. Because there was nothing Red could do. She had to save herself this time.

And while she was saving herself, she had ignored the fact that Red, too, was going through things. Things that had nothing to do with her, and she couldn't see that because all she could see was where to go to get her next hit, and then where to go when the painful symptoms of withdrawal kicked in.

Red was always there for her. And it seemed that when Red finally needed someone to look after her, Nicky had let her down.

And now Poussey was gone. Any one of them could be taken away at any moment, and Nicky just wanted to be with someone who loved her.

It was late. Long after lights out. She crawled out of her bunk and quietly slipped on her socks. She peaked around her cube and saw that the CO had dozed off, and she took this as her chance to sneak away.

She quietly made her way over to Red's cube, the one that used to be right next to hers. She missed that spot, now more than ever.

Nicky stopped when she realized that Red was sound asleep. She swallowed hard, realizing that this was probably the first time Red had been able to sleep at all since Piscatella began his cruel psychological torture experiment on her.

But still, she needed to be close to her. She needed to make sure she was okay. She needed to make sure that she, too, would not be so cruelly taken from them.

She padded her way to Red's bunk, and knelt down beside her sleeping form. She scooted as close as she could to her without touching her, and just watched her.

She thought about their closeness. She thought about their banter, and their teasing. She thought about how she had searched her whole life for Red without realizing it. She thought about Red's face when she had seen her again after so long, and how it felt to be in her arms again. She thought about their conversation only days ago, when she had promised Red she would get clean, and then had let her down. Again.

She thought about detoxing for the second time since coming to Litchfield, and how lonely she felt without Red beside her.

She thought about the exhausted look on Red's face in the cafeteria earlier in the day. About how she wanted to hug her, and let her rest her head on her shoulder, and just be there for her, even though she felt like she couldn't.

She thought about how scared she was when Piscatella shoved her to the ground, and the chaos afterward. When things had calmed down, all she wanted was to sit with Red and take care of her.

But she didn't.

And now here she was, sitting on the floor in the middle of the night, next to Red's sleeping form.

She didn't realize she was crying until she heard Red's voice. "Nicky? What's wrong?"

Her voice sounded so exhausted, so unlike herself, and it was enough to break Nicky. The floodgates were released then, and she shook her head, and buried her face in her hands. The sobs came. She couldn't stop them even if she wanted to.

She felt Red's hands as they put her hair behind her shoulders, a familiar, comforting gesture. She forced her hands away from her face, and looked into her eyes. Red looked hollow. She was mentally and physically exhausted, and still, the sight of Nicky in distress was enough for her to push her own needs aside, and Nicky wiped away her tears with the backs of her hands.

She took a deep breath, and when Red reached over to wipe away a stray tear from her cheek, she reached over and held onto her hand. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry, Ma! I'm sorry for everything. I should have been there. I should have helped you."

Red shook her head. "What could you have done, hmm?"

Nicky shrugged. "I don't know, just…helped you. I should have just….loved you."

Red's own eyes filled with tears. "You always love me, Nicky. I know that."

Nicky nods. She did love her. Sometimes she thought her love for Red was all that kept her going. "I just…I really miss you. I miss everything. I miss life before I got sent away. Before I started using again. Before the new inmates came and these bastard COs ruined everything. Before everything got so fucked up. I want to go back. Can't we just….start over?"

Red took a deep breath. "I don't know, malyshka. I want to. I miss you, too. It's just, things are not simple around here anymore for anyone."

Nicky couldn't help it when the tears started again. "Please? Please, Ma? Somehow we lost each other and we have to find our way back. Can't we just try? Please? I know things have changed. I know I let you down. I know I hurt you. I just…I feel like I haven't been able to breathe since the moment I was taken away."

Red licks her lips and sighs. "Me, too."

"I know that I've been detoxing without you but…it isn't easy. I know that asshole Piscatella was interrogating you, and that he has it out for you, and I'm sorry that I keep pushing you away."

Red nods, not knowing what to say. She sensed Nicky had been keeping a lot inside since her return from Max, so she squeezed her hand, urging her to continue.

Nicky takes a deep breath. "I'm asking you to trust me again. I'm asking you to give me another chance. I'm asking you to not…give up on me…"

Red's eyes widened when Nicky spoke those last words. "Nicky…stop this. I won't ever 'give up' on you. Ever. But asking me to start over, to trust you as if nothing has happened, it's not something I can promise you right now. I'm sorry if that isn't want you want to hear. I'm tired, Nicky. I'm tired partly because I haven't been able to sleep for 3 days, but also because I've been here for a long time, and I will solve as many problems as everyone needs me to, but…I'm tired."

Nicky bites her lip and looks down at their entwined hands. She knew if she looked up at Red again, she would fall apart.

Red takes her fingers under Nicky's chin and forces her to look up at her. "But you know what I can promise you? I can promise you that no matter what, you can come to me, like you are now. You can come to me and we can talk, and spend time together. If it's what you want, I will be there for you. Forever. Within these walls and beyond them. Maybe we can't exactly 'start over', but….we can move forward. Because I love you, Nicky. I can't help it. You are my daughter. And the love I feel for you hasn't faded, it has only gotten stronger."

Nicky nods, and she clutches Red's hand close to her chest, her tears coming in waves. "I love you, too." She takes a deep breath. "Okay…okay…moving forward. We can do that."

Red nods reassuringly and squeezes her hands once again. She looks over at the clock in the corner of the room. "It's late and I have to be up soon. I'm sorry honey…I'm just tired. I need to sleep."

Nicky nods, wiping her tears away. "Of course you do."

Suddenly Red found herself being pushed down into the bunk, and felt her blanket being pushed up under her chin. She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Nicky…I'm a grown woman. You don't need to tuck me in."

"Shhh….Ma….just humor me?" She fidgets with Red's covers and tucks them all around her. "Comfy?"

Red nods. "Very much so. Thank you, malyshka."

Nicky nods and reaches down to kiss Red on the forehead. "Goodnight. Tomorrow we'll find time to talk some more, maybe?"

"Of course. Nite, Nicky. I do love you very much."

"I love you, too."

 **FIN.**


End file.
